Columns

TURKEY TALES

“An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.” — Will Rogers

“At least Brussels Sprouts can smell funny. It’s the turkey that’ll bring you to tears.”
— Medina Mikie



You’re about to have a houseful of adults, children and a real strange old maid aunt over for another joyous holiday event – the carving and eating of the bird. It’s mighty stressful unless you keep your sense of humor. I’ve been involved in, and heard horrendous tales of, the art of preparing the feast but, remember, the fun always comes later in telling the tale.
Forget to turn your oven on? It’ll drive Aunt Edna to drink if her bird sits in a cold oven for hours. 30 hungry people can easily turn into a mob.
Become overly excited and buy the largest turkey in the place? Not only won’t it fit in the oven, even if you split it down the breast, that bird still won’t be cooked ‘til after midnight.
Buy a fresh bird? Make sure somebody plucked him first.
I imagine the people at Butterball must have a good sense of humor when it comes to the holidays. Every year they publish Butterball’s Top 10 List of Turkey Questions. And trust me folks, these questions are real turkeys.
So I’ve decided, in the spirit of public service, I should start my own 1-800 number, too. Then I can answer all those brilliant turkey questions but with a sense of humor. So, here we go – Butterball and I are about to make your Thanksgiving a rather hysterical event.
Butterball’s Top 10 List of Turkey Questions (brought to you by Google on the internet).
Medina Mikie’s Top 10 List of Turkey Answers (brought to you by her sick mind) to help you make it through the day, laughing all the way.
1. What’s the best way to thaw a turkey?
Tell him tonight you won’t have a headache.
2. Where does the meat thermometer go?
Stick it in Uncle Ed after his third martini.
3. How do you recommend handling a turkey so it’s safe to eat?
Use a bullhorn and a Swat team.
4. What’s the best way to roast a turkey?
Get a bunch of friends together and tell jokes about him.
5. How can leftover turkey be stored safely?
Buy a 10 lb bird for 50 people. Then there won’t be any leftovers.
6. How do you know when the turkey is done?
When he throws his wedding ring at you and walks out the front door.
7. Should I buy a fresh or frozen turkey?
Don’t choose the one that will slap you rear.
8. What do you need to do to a turkey just before roasting it?
Ask forgiveness.
9. Is it necessary to baste a turkey?
Yes, and you, too; every 30 minutes – with vodka.
10. What’s the proper way to stuff a turkey?
Invite him to Thanksgiving dinner.
No matter how your meal turns out, take the time to enjoy the ride with your family and friends. Hopefully, with a little laughter, your day won’t turn into a real turkey. And don’t bother to call me on Thanksgiving Day – I’ll be way too busy with the vodka and Uncle Ed.