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Feng shui to assist

By Cupcake Detweiler BBC Special Correspondent

Not content to approve themselves lavish raises, Bandera County Commissioners concluded their Thursday, Feb. 24 meeting with a junket - a tour of the newly purchased property at 1212 Hackberry - at taxpayers' expense, it must be added.
Their rented stretch Hummer failed to materialize so County Fathers had to hoof it across Hackberry to inspect their newly acquired office building.
To a man, since there are no women on the court, they pronounced their investment "sane and prudent."
However, at the next meeting, a controversy immediately erupted when an elected official slated for relocation to the spacious state-of-the-art facility exclaimed, "Justices of the peace cannot work in a square building."
Giving no credence to his protestations, commissioners approved the relocating two justices of the peace and one county auditor to the building.
After doing extensive research, this writer is willing to cede that perhaps the chief justice had a point.
According to the book, "Practical Feng Shui" by Simon Brown - as opposed to "Impractical Feng Shui" by someone else, 1212 Hackberry Street can be categorized as a "soil" shape as evidenced by its single-story construction and flat roof. Surrounding buildings, however, such as the courthouse and church, are designated as "water" and "fire" buildings, respectively.
Water buildings like the courthouse are irregular in shape and often contain spires, domes or low rectangles. These buildings have often been added to over the years. Fire buildings sport pointed roofs and, as does a nearby church, spires.
"Practical Feng Shui" cautions against juxtaposing incompatible building types in close proximity with one another.
For example, Brown cites a "soil" building will destroy the energy of the surrounding water-type structure. While this may not affect those inhabiting the courthouse directly, "it may impair the vitality of the general community."
When apprised of this possibility, a City of Bandera spokesman commented, "Well, there goes the revenue from the sales taxes again."
To counter this possible detrimental effect, metal energy of the soil building can be enhanced by adding "silvery or gold-colored metal spheres." An example would be placing several large circa 1990 satellite dishes spray painted silver or gold on the roof of the Plaza Building.
On the other hand, the soil energy of the county's newly acquired structure is supported by the fire energy of the close-by church building. "This combination of chi energies is particularly favorable for creating a harmonious family atmosphere in your household." Scofflaws facing court trials held by justices of the peace in the Plaza Building should find this comforting.
Asked to comment on the notion that shapes and proximity of different type buildings can affect one's work - or non-work - habits, as the case may be - beloved County Judge Richard Evans, sighed heavily and said, "I have no legal authority to fire a county building."
Well-known curmudgeon and Precinct 3 Commissioner Richard Keese noted, "What? Did we buy another building? That's just crazy!"
As a former Texas Department of Transportation employee, Precinct 1 Commissioner Bruce Eliker expressed concern with the effect of Feng Shue on roads, saying, "Roads have hard flat surfaces and are often constructed along straight lines, all of which is more yang and therefore generates an even faster flow of chi energy."
Ever practical, Precinct 4 Commissioner Doug King questioned the county's reimbursement program. "I changed the locks on that building weeks ago, and I'm still waiting to be paid. Where's Mr. Tom Bregel when you need him?"
When reached at his chi-chi restaurant for comment, Precinct 2 Commissioner Bobby Harris declared, "If that Feng Shui fellow plans to relocate to Lakehills, I'll see that he's assessed his fair share of taxes just like the rest of my constituents. He ain't gittin' away with nothing."