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2014-02-27

- Law West and East of Privilege Creek -

By Judith Pannebaker BCC Editor

(Editor's note: Enjoy this week's favorite out-of-county police report. We are NOT making this up!)
Public Intoxication - While investigating, a UT police officer observed a UT student, who was under the age of 21, fall to the ground near the officer's feet as the student entered the dormitory. When asked for identification, the student produced a ticket stub. The student stated he was drunk but could still do calculus. The officer asked the student what 1 divided by "X" as "X" approaches infinity equaled and the student correctly answered "0," making his former calculus teachers very proud. Apparently, the student was too intoxicated to handle lesser math as he originally stated he had consumed a shot and two drinks of "mystery punch" but then counted the drink tally as five shots and four drinks of the punch. The student tried to bargain with the officer and offered a home-cooked meal for his release. When the officers declined, the student demanded more calculus problems before expelling some of the alcohol from his system on a table. The obviously tired student laid his head down in the splash zone before an ambulance arrived to transport him to a local hospital for alcohol poisoning. Occurred at 2:39 pm, on Feb. 22.
Monday, Feb. 17:
• A 19-year-old Pipe Creep purportedly burgled a residence for which he was jailed as a potential felon.
Tuesday, Feb. 18:
• No pun intended, but two more Creeps from the Pipe District found themselves flung into the quod for possessing inhalant paraphernalia.
• While their cohort in crime - a Bandera Bad Fellow - not only possessed paraphernalia, but also the pot to smoke it with.
• A Kerr-Vert didn't get away with disregarding the earnest ministrations of a previous court.
• Despite being charged with felony burglary of a habitation and being caught with a PG 1 controlled substance, a local yokel spent but a night in the slammer.
• At 50 something, a Bonehead from Bandera, certainly old enough to know better, violated a court order.
Thursday, Feb. 20:
• A motley crew from San Antonio, Lakehills and Kerrville - Motto: "We cover the Hill Country!" - were charged with felonies and are still confined to the county can for manufacture and delivery of a PG 1 controlled substance.
• Taking a page from the book of the above bonehead, a Geek from Gardendale violated a court order.
• And a Boob from Baxter failed to identify herself.
• A felonious Lassie from Lakehills found herself on the business end of a cellblock - for a day at least - after being pinched for possessing more than 4, but less than 20 grams, of a controlled substance.
• After being nicked for assaulting someone by contact, a Medina Madchen faced the music.
Friday, Feb. 21:
• A Blockhead from Bandera found himself in a pickle on account of two outstanding warrants - one for failing to appear and another for failing to obey traffic laws.
• Can you imagine? On a Friday night in Bandera, someone was picked up for public intoxication.
• A Pipe Creek Cretin remains confined to the county calaboose because of two felony charges - possessing certain chemicals and for Breaking Bad with more than four grams, but less than 200, of a controlled substance.
Saturday, Feb. 22:
• It would seem a Pipe Creek resident might do with a couple of anger management sessions after being booked for felony aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.
• After celebrating Mardi Gras in the Cowboy Capital, a couple of sots from Lakehills and Boerne were unaccountably pissed in public.
Sunday, Feb. 23:
• A local yokel dolt remains under lock and key due to myriad misdemeanors, including two traffic warrants and another two for failing to appear.
• While the guy's wife is also under lock and key due to a felony warrant from an outside agency.