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Library to host Cheese y Wine Film Festival

By Judith Pannebaker BCC Editor

Fresh off the success of the recent Wild Hog Implosion, the Bandera County Public Library Bored of Directors are working on another fun fundraiser proposed for the fall of 2013.

The Cheese y Wine Film Festival will offer bibliophiles a chance to nibble on canapés, drink the fruit of the grape and view some little known cinematic gems.

"We're not sure what films we'll be showing, but we're in negotiations for "Terror in Tiny Town," among others," said a spokesman for the group. "We'd like all the films to have some connection to Bandera or Texas or at least the West or something."

Filmed in 1938, the musical "Terror in Tiny Town" tells the tale of an evil gun-slinging midget who comes to terrorize the good little people of Tiny Town. The townspeople organize to defeat him with zany antics ensuing. "It's a classic," noted the spokesman, a trifle defensively.

Additionally, if a copy can be obtained, plans are afoot for the premier of "Silent Stranger," a video touting to visitors the virtues of Bandera. While the video didn't make the Sundance Film Festival, even Austin's recent South by Southwest or even the pre-movie commercials at Kerrville's Rio 10 Cinema, a clip of the tourist-centric video purportedly made its national debut on America's Funniest Videos recently.

However, another film on the directors' radar is "Children of the Corn IV, The Gathering." Filmed in 1996, the fourth in the popular series features local theatrical maven, Salle Ellis as 105-year-old Jane Nook. Famously, Ellis spent the entire film being pushed around in a wheelchair by Naomi Watts.

Her makeup job was so complicated it took her skin off when removed. "Now, they certainly wouldn't have to use so much putty on my mug now," quipped the always-irrepressible Ellis.

"We're also planning to show 'An Afternoon in Utopia," which would actually be just excerpts from the feature film, 'Seven Days in Utopia'," the spokesman continued. "We don't really care about golf so we're thinking about making a loop of the scenes featuring locals who were extras in the film and play those scenes over and over again. We especially want to see endless two-steppin' executed by that pink-shirted pair, Bob Saunders and Diane Causey."

As the name of the fundraiser suggests edibles will be anything and everything featuring cheese as the main ingredient, including, but not limited to, cheese balls; cheese dips; especially that one made by combining Velveeta and Ro-Tel tomatoes; fondue; little cheese squares with colorful toothpicks stuck into them for easy eatin'; cheesy quiches; baked cheese; cooked cheese; fried cheese; cold grilled cheese sandwiches cut in elegant little triangles; and as the piece de resistance, toe cheese - a little known delicacy outside of Bandera.

"We're also keeping our fingers crossed that Congressman Lamar Smith comes through with a quantity of everybody's favorite - government cheese," said the spokesman. "Our 'homenaje al queso' wouldn't be complete without a block or two of government cheese."

Lone Star celebrities not expected to trod the red carpet scrap rolled out for the Cheese y Wine Film Festival will include Tommy Lee Jones, Sandra Bullock, Debby Reynolds, Thomas Gibson, Eva Longoria, Matthew McConaughey, Randy Quaid, Steve Martin, Willie y amigos, Ron White, Jerry Hall, Gary Busey, Larry McMurtry, Carol Burnett, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Tommy Tune and Thomas Haden Church, among others.

From the cast of "The Closer," neither West Texan Barry Corbin, who appears as Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson's father, and Port Arthur native GW Bailey, who stars as Lt. Provenza, were available. While Bill Engvall was not able to emcee the event, he promised to send some kind of a sign.

"It's shaping up to be a huge non-star-studded evening," said the spokesman. "However," she added, "Diane and Bob promised to attend, wear their pink shirts, and give autographs. And, of course, Salle will be here, complete with that unforgettable wheelchair. We're also excited to announce that Angelina Jolie's gam will be among those attending."

Planners are keeping their fingers crossed that Kinky Friedman will show up, accompanied by assorted cigars, tequila, dogs that need forever homes and his perennial sidekick, Little Jewford - who will also be available for autographs.

To save money, this will be a BYOW - or BYO Other Refreshing Adult Beverage of Choice - affair. Proceeds, if any, will benefit the library.

For more information, call APR-ILP-HOOL.

Pictured: In lieu of searchlights for the proposed Cheese y Wine Film Festival fundraiser for the Bandera County Public Library, Jerome Edwards and Kenton Honaker will be hoisting flashlights into the air to announce the inaugural event. if the batteries are fresh, the powerful beams are expected to extend at least five feet into the Hill Country night sky.