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2012-01-12

Sticky Fingers

Mikie Baker

While cruising around the Internet the other day, an article caught my attention. The headline read "The 10 Most Shoplifted Items in America."

Shoplifting?

I thought we had electronic trackers slapped on everything so alarms would blare if you even thought about shoplifting. Evidently, I thought wrong.

Did you know that one in 11 Americans shoplifts? Really? I remember seeing a real rich lady spill her guts to Dr. Phil once about the "high" she got from shoplifting. How do you actually steal Botox?

I'll admit it. I've shoplifted exactly once in my life. I was in eighth grade and Wendy Malonowski - who was kind of a hood - convinced me to get a five-finger discount on a container of Maybelline White Eye Shadow that cost 69 cents. I had nightmares for three days, threw the eye shadow away without ever opening the package and quit hanging around with Wendy.

Nope. I may have my problems, Dr. Phil, but shoplifting isn't one of them.

I'm a wimp.

So who exactly is shoplifting out there? The article didn't say, but I think the list of the Top Ten items might reveal a thing or two. Let's have a David Letterman Top Ten, shall we?

10. Nike shoes. This one actually makes sense. If you're going to make a quick getaway you need to be extra swift, now don't you? And what is easier to take than something you're already wearing around the store?

9. Chanel No. 5. I can only assume these are for all the rich female Dr. Phil watchers. Ladies, just ask for samples. No wonder that perfume costs so much.

8. Let's Rock Elmo. Why not just come out with Let's Steal Elmo?

7. Polo clothing. That horse is still popular? Where I live, they only have rodeos, not polo matches.

6. Axe Body Spray. This is a product that I have long believed should be taken off the shelf anyway. The Teenage Eating Machine stunk to high heavens using this stuff. And I paid for that misery. Maybe the mothers of the world should unite and take every bottle off the shelves.

5. Gillette Mach 4 Razor Blades. Evidently just about the time a boy starts shaving, he wants to smell great. Now I know why they wear those baggie pants.

4. iPhones. Now this is actually understandable. They are expensive. But I've never been in a store where they haven't been attached to the display case with a steel cable. Of course if people can steal ATMs ...

3. Small Electronic Tools. I don't even know what small electronic tools are. But I'm going to check it out next time I got to the Giant Fix It store. I bet that's the only department where I can find an employee who works there.

2. Expensive Liquor. I was pondering what kind of liquor was a shoplifting favorite until I realized that all liquor is expensive.

Drum roll please. The number one stolen item in America is Filet Mignon. Now it all makes complete sense to me.

The shoplifter of today is a single man in his 20s. Obviously he wants to look and smell good for his date, impress her with the latest electronic technology, wine and dine her well and give her some expensive cologne. I can only assume a Let's Rock Elmo is for entertainment on this hot date.

But small electronic tools? I'm not going to touch that one. As for me, if I see anybody with sticky fingers out there, I'm dragging them to the manager. Maybe my reward will be some nice filet mignon.