The Bandera Courier
Bandera Courier
Thursday December 14, 2017
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The Entourage

Mikie Baker

All quiet on the Western front. They have left the building. And, boy do I need a break from The Entourage.
Over a week ago, they arrived. The Adult Baby Machine (formerly the Teenage Eating Machine), the World’s Best Baby, Easy Going Mom and the Curly Haired Cousin. The reason for the visit was that I needed the outside of my house repainted, and ABM plus his CHC are painters, so they were here to do the job. Mom and baby came along because everyone loves a baby. Oh, and they brought the dog.
Handsome Handy Man was staying at the Dancing Dog Ranch as well. The place was stuffed full. I made a dash to the grocery store to stock up with millennial supplies – Pizza Rolls, Ranch Dressing and Double Stuff Oreos. I gained five pounds just buying all that junk.
I cleaned the house from stem to stern, stuffed it with food and baby proofed the area. Within 12 minutes of their arrival, the place was trashed, most of the food was gone and the garbage cans were all full. Plus I ran out of toilet paper.
After another trip to the store to get Gatorade and Red Bull, I got the feeding down to a tolerable rhythm. But then they ripped up my front porch. Every plant, hanger, piece of yard art and garden tool took up new residence in the front yard. The Dancing Dog Ranch looked like the Beverly Hillbillies had just arrived. Neighbors drove by slow; just shaking their heads. The deer wouldn’t even enter the yard.
Then Easy Going Mom went back to the Big City and left that very cute baby right here with me. I think that’s when I tanked – she was the toughest one in The Entourage as she not only demanded all my attention, she had to be fed and changed all the time. Frankly, it was the most fun I’ve had since taking care of Dearly Demented Mom.
So, they caulked. They ate. They taped. They listened to rock music too loud. They painted. They ate. They slept and we did it all again. I raced all over town for more paint, more supplies and more Ranch dressing.
It suddenly hit me that maybe I was their entourage after all. Every time the Adult Eating Machine yelled out, “Mimi!”, I jumped. I took instructions, offered unheeded advice and kept feeding the masses. I babysat. I washed clothes. I’m getting tired now just thinking about it. And I’m about out of dog food.
After they finished the front porch yesterday, I grabbed a bucket, my magic glass cleaner and the best squeegee ever made and cleaned my windows so well that the glare of them outshines that coat of new, bright paint. Martha Steward would be proud. Until she noticed my dusty blinds, that is.
Finally, The Entourage left this morning in a whirlwind. I’m still finding empty Gatorade bottles under beds, I’m pretty sure we are out of diapers around here (which is a good thing) and all the food I have left is a piece of stale bread and a half eaten slice of pizza resting in the back of my fridge. But I’m free.
About half the house is painted, which means The Entourage will be back. I think I can survive another round of this because all they have to paint are the sides of the house, which are flat and have no windows. Maybe I can keep them entertained with only one large bottle of Ranch Dressing this time. Think I’ll hire an assistant.