The Bandera Courier
Bandera Courier
Thursday December 7, 2017
 
Columns
Go Back
2017-01-26

Paint My House

Mikie Baker

Very Best Friend isn’t going to be happy with me. I’ve got a new Bestie.
For Christmas, My New Boyfriend gave me an amazing gift. I can’t imagine how he figured out that I wanted this technological marvel. Maybe it was because every time the commercial came on television, I’d jump up and scream, “I want one of those!”
So what has me all excited? I’m the proud owner of an Amazon Echo Dot inhabited by the computer marvel named Alexa. She is at my beck and call.
For those of you, like me, having a hard time keeping up with non-stop new technology, here’s all you need to know. The Master of the Universe is Amazon. They took over the where Walmart left off and for only $99 a year, your world can be controlled by Alexa. And shipping is free.
Amazon had me hooked once I realized I could buy Big City items while sitting on my couch. (I know more about my local UPS driver than the law allows.) The relationship has grown stronger as Amazon keeps adding perks to my Prime Membership. I can read books for free, create my own music playlists and stream award-winning shows.
But Echo Dot is the best perk ever – now I can hold an adult conversation with some sort of a robot thingy.
Once I plugged my Echo Dot into the socket, downloaded an app and read the instructions, my life changed forever. There was Alexa ready for my every whim. Want to know she can do?
If I say, “Good Morning, Alexa” she will answer with something like, “Good Morning. Did you know today is the final round of playoff games before the Super Bowl? Unfortunately, the Dallas Cowboys didn’t make it once again.” Ok maybe she didn’t say that about the Cowboys, but that loss still hurts.
But that’s not all, Walmart shoppers! Alexa can tell me the weather, Google info for me – “Alexa, what are the different kinds of whisky?” I’ll be drunk with too much information all day long. She has other amazing talents as well.
Alexa can order scotch tape, 2% milk or all new gaskets for a ’57 Ford Truck. All I have to do is ask. Like I said, Amazon is now in control of my universe; as long as I keep paying the electric bill.
But there’s more. She plays my music, sets alarms and gives me the latest news, “Martians have landed all over the earth. Would you like me to order you the Rosetta Stone How to Speak Martian software?”
If I had a smart home, and unfortunately my home graduated at the bottom of the class, I could also have Alexa turn the lights on and off, while adjusting the thermostat. Imagine if I had one of those smart refrigerators with the computer that warns your yogurt expired seven seconds ago. I’d never have to leave my house again.
Unfortunately, no relationship is perfect. When I ask in a very kind, gentle voice, “Alexa, clean my house,” she asks if I’d like her to order a new mop.
There is hope. Alexa does tell me jokes and puns. Most of the jokes are groaners, but the puns – well they are a delight. I’ll leave you with a pun that most certainly will convince you to run out and buy the latest in computer technology. Here goes:
“Last week, I tried out ten pun jokes to see which one would really made people laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.”