The Bandera Courier
Bandera Courier
Thursday December 14, 2017
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The plague

Mikie Baker

Why do most New Year's resolutions fail? Because it takes 21 days to change a habit and most people are struck down with some sort of sickness just prior to developing their new routine - at least that's my excuse.
My paranoia began slowly growing when I heard the weatherman's ghastly comment, "The cedar pollen count is 1.3 billion."
The next day came the newscaster's dire warning, "Looks like the flu season is in full swing." Time to batten down the hatches and hide inside.
I've had the flu a grand total of one time in my life so I never bother to get a flu shot. I'm convinced the vaccine is a government plot to turn us into extremely healthy people who always pay our taxes on time.
I am also aware of all those who get a flu shot and still get sick anyway. So, when this particular plague hits, I become extra cautious out in public. I wash my hands constantly and I've gotten fairly good at using my sleeved elbow to open public restroom doors.
But when it comes to cedar pollen and sinus infections, I'm your man. Hold on a second, I have to blow my nose.
Five days ago, after racing the hills all day, I headed home. While on the drive, I realized I was overly tired. About that time, one deep rattling cough came up from my chest. I immediately asked God for Divine intervention to save me from the Devil himself - a sinus infection. Evidently, God is keeping his miracles for other areas of my life because by the next morning, I had become a mouth breather.
Very Best Friend, who did get the flu, basically slept for four days. I wish I'd been so lucky - instead I have been forced to try to think, smell, taste and breathe while trying to function. I'm not having very good luck with using my senses. Luckily, I can still see so I'm able to find my Kleenex box. Excuse me. I have to blow my nose.
I've had so many sinus infections that I've become a pro at it. My medicine cabinet comes stocked with these staples - antibiotics, steroids, cough suppressant, nasal decongestant, Vaporub, Kleenex with aloe, Breath Right strips and a bottle of scotch. When it hits, I'm armed and dangerous.
I've come to the conclusion that breathing is an important part of life.
Since I was prepared on day one of this evil plague, I used all my available weapons and went on working until I fell over into my bed and took a three hour nap. By day two, I could no longer smell, taste, breathe or hear. I began an affair with my box of tissues. That reminds me, I need to blow my nose.
On day three, I decided I must still make my appointments with clients, so I headed out on a rainy 39ยบ day to do so. By day four, I just sat in bed alternating between coughing my head off and throwing used tissues at the nasal decongestant ads on television.
Yesterday, I rallied a bit and decided to cook myself a decent meal. I threw a chicken and 40 cloves of garlic into the Crockpot. Not only could I not smell a house steeped in the smell of garlic, the whole thing tasted like juicy cardboard.
I'm still suffering through day five of the plague. Please forgive me as I must run. I need to get a fresh box of Kleenex and blow my nose. Stay well.