The Bandera Courier
Bandera Courier
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2015-01-01

Broken promises

Mikie Baker

A whole week before January 1, I broke my New Year's resolution. Actually, it wasn't my fault. In fact, if you've got a used treadmill for sale, I'm your buyer.
After my late November garage sale, I ended up with a wad of cash. I announced to Very Best Friend and the Universe, "I am going to take my money and buy myself a decent treadmill and get into shape once and for all." They applauded.
Actually I have a treadmill now. It was a free hand-me-down from a neighbor who didn't want to pay money to deposit it at the dump. I was very excited until I tried it - only to find that most of the speeds-buttons-controls were non-functioning and the motor couldn't hold a steady speed. Basically, this treadmill is so old, it could use a walker.
I researched new treadmills and found there are cheap ones that will break in a month, those that cost more than a one carat diamond ring and ones that let you walk all over Europe while still in your pajamas. I settled on the cheapest one I could find.
So I headed down to the Big City to buy the treadmill at the Giant Athletic Store. Have you ever noticed that they put the treadmills right up front instead of way in the back? Shouldn't they make you use a lengthy stride to find the workout equipment?
Anyway, I wandered through several aisles trying to find someone to help me, thus getting my exercise anyway. I stumbled across employees Frick and Frack who were playing with the golf clubs. I said, "I need some help, please. You know, even fat little old ladies can still use a treadmill."
Frick wandered over and we got into a discussion about having it delivered and set up. I figured they'd never bring it all the way up to the Hill Country without my paying as much as another treadmill. After finally drawing him a map of where I lived, Frick agreed with me. So I said, "Well I'll just buy it and take it home myself and figure out assembly later."
It took about one minute for me to check out. I ran to get the car and pulled up to a waiting Frick and Frack holding a dolly loaded with a giant box. There was no way that box was going to fit in my car. I told them to shove it in there and make it fit anyway. It almost did - all I needed was some rope to tie down the back of my car.
I asked Frick for rope. He stuttered and said, "We used to have rope but they don't let us have that anymore so I can't help you."
With smoke coming out of my ears I replied, "They took away the rope so the customers wouldn't strangle you. How am I supposed to get this home?" As neither Frick nor Frack had a clue, I told these two halves of a whole idiot, "Fine. Take it back inside. I'm returning it."
Amazingly, it takes only one minute to buy something and about half an hour to return the same thing just a few minutes later.
So here I am, still treadmill-less without a clue how to ever get one up here into the hills. Instead, I'm spending my money on a heavy coat, wool mittens and a ski mask. I may scare all the neighbors to death, but at least I'll be warm walking the hills.
Good luck with your New Year's resolutions!