The Bandera Courier
Bandera Courier
Thursday December 14, 2017
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Mikie Baker

Normally, every summer I write a column on the heat. I mention how everyone growls at each other and we all end up in grumpy, heat-induced trances. Personally, I collect my summer sweat and use it to water my plants.
So it caught my attention on a recent January morning because everyone was talking about how warm it was. The comment I heard over and over was, "Man, how do those people up north do it anyway? 20 below? Give me Texas any day. I'd rather suffer through 102 than a wind chill of minus 50." Right. I'll remind all of you about that in July.
Of course, it's true. Don't your lips freeze and fall off at 20 below? And what about your toes? Are they just frost bitten from the beginning of December until May? What kind of garden can you have in that kind of weather anyway?
I guess I understand the whole Snowbird adventure now. "Henry, it's the first of October. Let's throw away our winter coats and head to Texas. Grab your swimming trunks and let's hit the road before the first ice storm. My toes are starting to tingle." Funny, but none of us Texans go running for the frozen tundra in June. We're proud we can survive triple digit temperatures for three months straight.
Now I know why Snowbirds all talk funny. In their formative years, they probably stuck their tongues on frozen metal poles. Why don't you people just man up and spend a summer with us? We promise it'll put hair on your chest.
In fact, to persuade you to hang around this summer, here's a list of all the fun things you can do when the thermometer goes over the century mark:
• You can fish without cutting a hole in the ice. Of course the fish are too hot to swim, so you can't ever catch one, but you can always jump in the river when you get too hot.
• Get a sun tan, please. Lord knows you people could use a little color.
• Lose 10 pounds overnight. Simply buy a road hog, leather pants and a leather jacket and head out for a spin through the hills about 4 pm on a sunny August day. Trust me. You'll lose 10 pounds while frying quite a few brain cells from the heat stroke.
• Enjoy our local nightlife. No, I'm not talking about hitting the honkytonks. I'm discussing what we do here on a record heat day. We hibernate in the house, air conditioning blasting, until it turns dark. Then we venture out to sit on the porch and watch the stars melt above our heads.
• Fry an egg on the sidewalk. Make sure you videotape it, because none of our local weathermen have ever accomplished this feat. It's really just a trite old saying made up by some asphalt company.
• Drink a case of beer. No need to worry about getting drunk. All you'll really get is a nice beer sweat bath.
There, now you Snowbirds have a nice list of fun things to do in our wonderful Texas summers. We're certain it's better than putting up with another snowstorm, but if you feel you just can't take the heat and you need to head back north in the summer, can you do us one small favor?
Please take a load of rocks back with you. We've already got more than enough around here. Thanks and see you again next year.