The Bandera Courier
Bandera Courier
Thursday December 7, 2017
 
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2013-01-24

Man sick

Mikie Baker

No, this isn't another column on my favorite pastime - looking for the perfect man. I've finally come to the realization there is no perfect man. Why? Because I've never met one who hasn't at least caught the common cold. Dealing with a sick man can put a mean scratch on a pair of rose-colored glasses.
When a man falls ill, it's ridiculous. The female of the species lives through cramps, child bearing and menopause without missing a beat. If the entire house is down with the flu - including us - we still manage to take care of everybody else. But if a man simply catches a cold, he's as good as dead.
I guess we women were just born without the whining gene.
For example, let's take Stroke of Genius. When he first showed up on the scene, he'd been surviving on a diet of powered doughnuts, Dinty Moore Beef Stew and beer. Why are men so good at eating junk and never gaining any weight?
So the first morning he came out of his man cave, Stroke didn't bother to even say, "Good Morning." He grumbled, grabbed a cup of coffee and plopped down on a chair. Then he announced, "My vision is real blurry this morning. I'm afraid I have macular degeneration." It was all I could do not to laugh out loud.
Next day? Same story. "Man, I ache all over. I'm sure I've got fibromyalgia." Yep, his muscles probably hurt due to lack of use. On the third day, I could hardly wait for him to get up. I felt like I'd just found a great new self-diagnosis reality show on TV. Luckily, I wasn't disappointed.
Stroke flew out of the bedroom yelling, "What is this rash on my elbow?" To which I coolly replied, "Oh no! Is that the heartbreak of psoriasis?"
He's never quit but I've gotten pretty immune to the whole thing and have come to accept that I'm living with a hypochondriac. Luckily, when he does get sick, we can quit focusing on the disease of the day and set our sights on just the one real sickness.
Is it just me or do all men moan when they have a cold? I guess they figure if they keep it up long enough, you'll come running with homemade chicken soup and box of tissues. I've got 14 cold remedies tucked in cabinets and drawers around the ranch because I've learned, the more remedies you give them, the less they complain.
Recently, Very Best Friend's better half, Perfectly Engineered Husband, found out he wasn't so perfectly engineered after all. To get back up to snuff after years of cycling, it was deemed best that he have a knee replacement. Amazingly, the surgery only lasted 45 minutes, but the whining has lasted for days.
When I called VBF to get an update, all she could say was, "I've just never heard more creative moans in my life. Where do men learn how to do that anyway? I mean is there a school or something?"
Yep, there was a school - Fathers Teach Sons Bad Male Habits.
So ladies, my glass is raised to you if you are suffering with a sick man around the house. It won't last longer than you can bear and once he's well, you can go back to the really important stuff like his complaining about the disease of the day. So, why can't the Center for Disease Control come out with a "No Whining" shot?