The Bandera Courier
Bandera Courier
Thursday December 14, 2017
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And so it begins - again

Mikie Baker

After the last decoration has been put away, the house looks bare and empty. The holiday rush is over, it's too cold to garden and kids are no longer underfoot. Maybe it's the winter blues or lack of activity, but somehow starting out a New Year with a clean slate feels right.
I prepare for the beginning of another calendar year by delving into my desk files, reorganizing and setting up for the next 12 months. Unfortunately, I always run across my list of last year's New Year's resolutions. That's when the ringing of hands begins.
Most of my life rocks along pretty well. I'm not on the FBI's top 10 Most Wanted list; I don't pay credit card interest just to stay afloat; and my house is neater than Dearly Demented Mom kept hers - though my windows could use some work.
So, if I'm pretty much an "I'm okay, you're okay" type of gal, why have I been trying to lose the same 20 pounds for the last half century? Think of the closet space I would have instantly at my fingertips if I didn't have to store three different sizes of clothes in there.
I am sick and tired of fighting this one battle as my resolution every year. What makes this worse is all you women out there who can eat anything and still stay thin. If I made it my personal resolution to strangle each and every one of you, guess I could finally make the FBI's big list.
You skinny types hit the ground running the first of January. The five extra holiday pounds you gain simply melt away after three days of jogging in below zero temperatures. You fly by me in your perfect Nike outfit while I plod along in my three-year-old sweats, heavy winter coat and gardening gloves. It makes me feel even fatter.
A week later, I run into you skinny types at the store and realize there is no hope for my goal of losing 20 pounds. A shopping binge of cookies and ice cream commences.
Somebody poke me with a fondue fork. I'm done.
I'm not quite old enough to quit hitting the hair dye bottle or give up on the battle of the bulge. I mean finally acquiring the senior's discount is a delight, but when is that magic age when you can say, "You know what? I'm letting my hair go gray and pitching the bathroom scale. Nobody can get past all those wrinkles on my face, anyway."
Every year it's the same thing. "This year I'm going to lose 20 pounds and exercise every day." I always lose around 15 pounds, then gain back 18 and hurt my back after about a month of working out.
So here's my question. If they've got a pill to make an older man still "romantic" and a pill to keep him from having to "go" too much on the golf course, where the heck is a pill to keep me in my small size clothes? Come to think of it, where's the "keep my hair from turning gray" pill? And, while I'm on a roll, could someone please come up with a robot that can clean my house?
There's only one way to win this battle of the bulge. This year I'm going to resolve to gain 5 pounds and, more importantly, forcefeed my skinny friends. Homemade apple pie a la mode, anyone?