Two kinds of pain
Recently I decided the best use of my time was to trip over my own big feet, fly into the air and land on the arm of a chair. This type of move - which I refer to as an earth wobble - resulted in a cracked rib. I guess I've outgrown my Twinkle Toes years.
There's not much you can do for a cracked rib, other than suffer through it. Rather than spend money on a doctor's visit, I invested my hard earned cash into a new piece of clothing - an Everlast Slimmer Belt with magnets. Basically it's a contraption you wrap around your waist - sort of like Spanx with Velcro.
This magical piece of clothing holds everything together so the pain is somewhat bearable. It's the only thing that seems to work. Over-the-counter pain relievers do not. My cracked rib just laughs at them.
Besides making my pain bearable, this contraption, luckily, offers other great benefits. The box - loaded with marketing tips - claims I get amazing advantages including increased blood circulation, aerobic conditioning, shedding of excess water, lower back support, calorie burning and a slimmer appearance. It's exactly what all women in America are desperately searching for in clothing.
Since I'm about to embark on my first real vacation in years, I really didn't want to take along a cracked rib but it looks like I have no choice. Sometimes stupid people tricks have bad timing.
To add to the insanity, I decided I needed a new swimsuit for my vacation. All females over the age of 12 will agree that buying a new bathing suit is a very painful experience. Between the sagging and the store lighting, a strong woman can be brought to tears.
Personally, I find it helpful to scream out loud in the dressing room.
It not only relieves tension, but it makes it easier to hold in your stomach.
Now imagine if you will, this lowly soul sulking into a dressing room clutching a broken rib and 10 bathing suits. I'm still not sure which one is more painful.
When trying on suits, I had to take off my Slimmer Belt, which basically let it all hang out. Then I had to attempt to pull up a hold-it-all-in one-piece suit over my belly and a cracked rib. To the outside observer, I bet the entire process resembled stuffing deer sausage casings.
At the bargain store, I found nothing that worked. Sure there were some suits that fit, but they all would have made me look like a 50something beached whale. When I handed my selections back to the dressing room attendant, I smiled and said, "Nothing worked. These were just enormous on me!" As I left, I could hear her roars of laughter throughout the store.
Next, I opted for a fancy store with fancy prices. All women know the price of the suit is directly related to the amount of Spandex that holds you in.
Again, I headed into the dressing room with another dozen suits while clutching my side. And then a miracle happened.
The very last suit I tried on fit me like a glove, made me look like Marilyn Monroe on a good day and covered up everything that needed hiding. It even made my rib feel better. After years of settling for a so-so suit, I had finally found the perfect swimming suit for this old body.
I guess it's true what they say - no pain, no gain.